Persistence of Memory
by kippersvindaloo
Summary: Lister's practical joke on Rimmer motivates Rimmer to surprising action
1. Chapter 1

AN: This story takes place in between the second and third seasons, not long after my first story, "Second Childhood."

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, and I'm not making any money from this, so please don't sue me.

Persistence of Memory 

Lister was watching an episode of "Androids." At least, he was trying to, although Cat was sleeping in the chair behind him and the skutters were repairing a dented wall panel, which didn't make it easy to hear the dialogue. Of course, with "Androids," it wasn't necessarily important to hear the dialogue. Lister had thought that maybe if he watched enough of the show, he might start to like it, but he'd gotten through almost seventy-five episodes now and it wasn't getting any better. Why did Kryten like this stuff?

Lister wondered about Kryten sometimes. Had he found a planet with a hospitable atmosphere, one where he could finally have a real garden of his own? Lister hoped so. He wondered if he would ever see Kryten again.

Rimmer came breezing into the Drive Room, smiling insincerely at Lister. "Hello, Mummy."

Lister glanced at his belly, which was beginning to swell a little. It was now visible underneath his clothes. "Pause." He turned to Rimmer. "Do you mind? I'm trying to pretend I'm just getting fat."

Rimmer shook his head. "Your capacity for self-delusion never fails to amaze me."

Lister shrugged, trying not to feel embarrassed. "It makes me feel better."

"Lister, really," Rimmer said with a derogatory snort. "Do you think you'll be any less of a goit if you're fat instead of pregnant?"

Lister glanced at his belly again, running a protective hand over it. "I'm not that big yet."

"The best is yet to come," Rimmer said.

The skutters finished work on the panel and rolled off down the hallway, so Rimmer moved to inspect their work. Lister was glad; Rimmer inspecting the panel was better than Rimmer inspecting Lister.

"Why does this make you so happy? You had nothing to do with it," Lister said.

Rimmer glanced up from the wall panel. "I don't have to. Just to see you reap the consequences of your stupid smegging actions is pleasure enough for me."

Lister tried to think of something about his pregnancy that would bring on the ultimate horrible situation for Rimmer. "Oh, yeah? Well, you're going to have to live with two little versions of me for the rest of your death. How about that?"

Rimmer's head jerked up; clearly he hadn't thought of that. He looked disgusted at the idea. "Well, they'd have to be better than you. They couldn't possibly be any worse."

Lister smiled. "They could. I'll teach 'em."

Rimmer shook his head. "I don't understand why you're so averse to change, Lister."

"What kind of change?" Lister asked.

"Personal change," Rimmer said. "You could always reform yourself into a proper role model. Someone honest and upstanding. Someone with respect for authority. Someone like me, for example."

Lister laughed. "I'm sure you'd be brilliant at having kids."

Rimmer raised his eyebrows. "I'd be a fair sight better than you."

Lister could just imagine Rimmer as a horrible parent set on structure and schedules, just like Captain what-was-his-name in that movie about the singing child nuns. "You'd probably make your kids salute you. Once before breakfast and once before they went to bed."

"There's nothing wrong with discipline," Rimmer said, bouncing a little on his toes. "Not that you would know."

Lister turned back to his soap opera. "Well, it obviously did a lot for your personality."

Apparently Rimmer missed Lister's sarcasm entirely. "That's what I'm saying!" He crossed the room to stand beside Lister. "If you just had a tiny bit of self-control and respect for other people, we might even get on."

Lister looked up at Rimmer. "Right now, we're getting on."

Rimmer looked confused. "We are?"

"Yeah. You especially. You're getting on me last nerve," Lister said.

Rimmer sighed heavily and shook his head as he left the room. "I don't know why I bother."

"It's getting harder and harder to take a nap around this place," Cat said from behind Lister.

Lister turned his chair around. "Sorry, Cat."

"You should be!" Cat said, looking indignant. "I don't know why you and Rimmer still talk to each other. He hates your guts and you hate his."

Lister was only listening halfway to Cat; he knew Cat was complaining, and that was enough. All Cat's complaints sounded the same anyway. "He thinks everything would be better if I were more like him. Never mind that he couldn't even live with himself."

"Cats don't worry about this type of thing," Cat said. "If we don't like somebody, claws out and it's all over in a second."

Somehow, Lister couldn't picture himself and Rimmer as fighting cats. "Yeah, and what do you do with holograms?"

"Avoid them. What do you think I've been doing?" Cat said.

"I can't avoid him," Lister said. Then, out of nowhere, he got the most amazing idea. Well, maybe it wasn't the most amazing idea, but it was the third most amazing idea after swimsuit models and lager by the case. "But maybe I can have a little fun with him."

Cat looked thoughtful. "Like what? Forcing him to wear liederhosen?"

Lister shook his head. "No. He likes liederhosen. I'm gonna show him what it would be like if I were more like him."

"For how long?" Cat asked, making a face.

"It'll depend on how he takes it," Lister said. "Maybe a few days."

"Be careful," Cat said. "You could get stuck that way."


	2. Chapter 2

When Holly's alarm went off, Rimmer made a half-hearted motion to get out of bed, but it didn't take.

"Off," Lister said. "Lights."

The lights in the room came on, and Rimmer heard a thudding, slapping noise. He opened his eyes and saw that Lister was doing jerks. Rimmer squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and then opened them again to make sure he was really seeing what he thought he was seeing.

"Lister, what are you doing?" Rimmer asked.

"My morning exercises," Lister said.

Rimmer sat up on his bunk, staring at Lister with some confusion. "You don't do morning exercises."

Lister didn't even slow his jerks. "Come on, Rimsy. Let's get in shape!"

Rimmer shrugged, getting to his feet. "All right." He began to do jerks beside Lister, marveling at the change in his roommate. "What's got into you this morning?"

"I've been thinking," Lister said. "I've been going about this the wrong way. I've got more than just me to think about, yeah?"

"Yes," Rimmer said.

Lister stopped doing jerks. "So I should start behaving like it."

Rimmer stopped too. He couldn't believe Lister was actually saying these words. "An actual sign of maturity." He paused. "Do you hear that creaking sound?"

Lister frowned, listening. Then he shook his head. "No."

"The water temperature in Hell just took an alarming dive," Rimmer said.

Lister inclined his head toward the door of the bunk room. "Come on. Let's have a jog."

Rimmer gestured for Lister to take the lead. "After you."

As Rimmer jogged behind Lister, he wondered if this might be a new chapter in Lister's life. Rimmer looked forward to seeing what other changes were to come.

Lister sat on Rimmer's bunk, reading his pop-up Kama Sutra.

Cat entered the room singing. "Ooh, yeah, here I come…that's right…oww!" He stopped when he saw Lister's book. "Hey, is that a shiny thing?"

"No," Lister said, not looking up. "This is a human book. You don't wanna see this."

Cat looked indignant. "Why not? I loaned you cat books."

Lister turned the page to position twenty-three. "Yeah, but…this is different."

Cat peered over Lister's shoulder, and his eyes widened. "I didn't know you monkeys could bend like that!"

Lister clapped the book shut, standing to stash it under his own pillow.

"Hey! I was reading that," Cat said.

"I'll get you your own copy," Lister said. He was sure someone else had it on board. Probably Petersen had a copy in his locker. Cat might as well have it now; Petersen wouldn't be coming back to claim it anytime soon.

Cat looked around, then spoke in a hushed voice. "How's the plan going?"

Lister shook his head. "Too soon to tell. I haven't entered phase 2 yet."

Cat looked interested. "What's phase 2?"

Lister smiled. "Hang around and watch."


	3. Chapter 3

Rimmer stopped in the doorway to the bunk room, aghast at what he saw inside. Lister was sitting on Rimmer's bunk, and Cat was sitting on a bench by the window. Under normal circumstances, Rimmer would've been annoyed, but it wasn't so much where Lister sat as it was what Lister was doing that made these incredibly unusual circumstances.

Lister glanced at Rimmer from behind what looked like a real, thick textbook. "What?"

"You're reading," Rimmer said.

"Yeah," Lister said.

Rimmer struggled to find words. "I didn't know you could read."

"Of course I can," Lister said, turning back to his textbook.

"So," Rimmer said, not sure what to do about this turn of events. "What are you reading?"

Lister held up the book so Rimmer could see the cover. "Principles of Astronavigation."

Somewhere in the back of Rimmer's mind, alarm bells began to go off. "Astronavigation?"

Lister nodded. "Yeah, I'm studying for the test."

"But you never wanted to take that test." Rimmer's voice was a little more high-pitched than it should've been, but otherwise, Rimmer thought he was controlling himself amazingly well.

"I've had my priorities all wrong. I should be thinking about getting ahead," Lister said.

Lister's goals were starting to sound uncomfortably familiar to Rimmer. "You should?"

Lister held up a clipboard on the bed beside him. "Yeah, and I'm making a start. I've got my color-coded study timetable all worked up."

Rimmer's legs threatened to give out beneath him. "You made a timetable?"

"Of course. How else would you study?" Lister said.

"I don't know," Rimmer said. Lister didn't do things like this. Lister wore his socks for six months running and considered it a talent to be able to brush his teeth without a toothbrush; Lister did not make color-coded study timetables.

Rimmer sat down, disturbed by the change in Lister. Maybe now was the time to bring up the matter of the bunks. "Why are you in my bunk?"

"This isn't your bunk. It's my bunk," Lister said, still reading his astronavigation book.

"Since when?" Rimmer asked. He was beginning to get nervous.

Lister rolled his eyes. "It's always been my bunk, Lister."

Rimmer's simulated heart skipped a simulated beat. "What?"

Lister looked at Rimmer dubiously. "Can't you hear me?"

"What did you call me?" Rimmer asked.

"When?" Lister said.

"Just now."

"I called you by your name," Lister said. "It's what I always call you."

Rimmer nodded. "Right. So what is it?"

"What is what?"

"My name."

Lister sighed deeply and shook his head. "Don't be a gimboid."

"You never say gimboid. You say smeghead," Rimmer said.

"What?" Lister said.

"I say gimboid. You say smeghead," Rimmer said, feeling as though he had wandered into another parallel universe.

Lister closed his book. "Let's call the whole thing off. I'm going to the Observation Dome to study."

Once Lister was out of the room, Rimmer began pacing back and forth. What could this mean? Lister had suddenly developed goals nearly identical to Rimmer's, was studying astronavigation like Rimmer, had even started using Rimmer's favorite expressions…oh no. This could not be happening.

"Cat?" Rimmer said.

"Mmm?" Cat said.

Rimmer tried to think of a delicate way to phrase his question. "Did you notice anything…odd about that conversation?"

"Odd how?" Cat said, looking as if someone had caught him trying to eat Lister's mechanical goldfish again.

"Like when Lister called me by his name?" Rimmer said.

"Oh, that kind of odd. Yeah, I noticed that," Cat said, sounding relieved.

Rimmer took a deep breath. "Can you stand a shock?"

Cat stood, making a horrified face. "Don't tell me burlap's come into fashion!"

Sometimes Cat could be so mind-numbingly dull that Rimmer suspected Lister's toenail clippings had a higher IQ. "No, you stupid git. I think Lister's gone space-crazy."

"How can you tell?" Cat asked.

"He's starting to think he's me," Rimmer said.

Cat shrugged. "So?"

Rimmer began to pace again. "Don't you see? This could ruin everything. He's motivated now!" He stopped mid-pace as a truly horrifying thought occurred to him. "What if he passes the exam? He might outrank me! And with another me ordering me around…" He trailed off as he remembered the last time there had been two of him on Red Dwarf. He didn't want to repeat that experience one bit. "I have to stop this."

Cat didn't seem too interested; he had already turned to the mirror and was fixing his hair.

Rimmer raced out of the room. He had to come up with a plan to get Lister back to normal.

Rimmer paced up and down the corridor. After making and discarding hundreds of plans, he had finally come up with one that would work. "Holly, do you still have Lister's personality stored somewhere?"

Holly appeared on a nearby viewscreen. "I think so. Yeah."

"Can you overwrite some of my personality elements with his?" Rimmer asked.

Holly looked apologetic. "Sorry. Didn't catch that last bit. I think I had water in my ear."

It wasn't just Cat. Everyone had the mental capacity of a potato. Rimmer was the only brain on this ship, but he decided not to flaunt his superiority too much. "You're a computer. If you had water in your ear, you'd short out."

Holly nodded. "It's a good job I didn't know that before I went swimming."

Rimmer didn't have time for this. "Look, can you give me some of his personality traits or not?"

"Whose?" Holly asked.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Lister's."

"Should be able to, yeah," Holly said. "Which ones do you want?"

"Does it matter? Just give me a few at random," Rimmer said.

"Right," Holly said.

Rimmer swayed on his feet. Getting new information in his head was like having a faucet turned on; he could feel the water running in his brain, and it made him dizzy. "Have you done it, Hol?"

"It's done," Holly said.

"Thanks," Rimmer said, turning and heading for the bunk room. He couldn't be sure, but he suspected that the loose, casual strides he was taking down the corridor were Lister's.


	4. Chapter 4

Lister claimed Rimmer's bunk to sleep in that night, and was surprised when Rimmer acquiesced and vaulted easily into the top bunk. Lister had expected Rimmer to throw some kind of tantrum, but nothing had happened so far. Maybe Lister's prank wasn't going to work after all. Lister was disappointed; if he couldn't even drive a hologram crazy, what was the meaning of his life?

After a few moments in bed, Rimmer spoke. "Why did you have to be the one who went into stasis?"

"What do you mean?" Lister asked.

"Why couldn't it have been Krissy?" Rimmer asked.

Lister had never heard Rimmer refer to anyone by that name in his life. "Krissy?"

"Kochanski," Rimmer said.

Lister didn't understand. Rimmer hated Kochanski; he had told Lister as much. "I thought you didn't like her."

Rimmer sounded as confused as Lister felt. "I…um, I…well, why would I admit it to a smeghead like you?"

Lister smiled. Of course Rimmer didn't like Kochanski; he was just trying to come up with a plan to counteract Lister's plan. "I know what you're doing, Rimmer. It's not gonna work."

"What isn't?" Rimmer asked.

"You're trying to convince me to go back to the way things were by showing me how much fun you're having when you act like me. It's not gonna work," Lister said.

"It's got to!" Rimmer blurted out. He paused. "I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."

Lister decided to spread it on thick. "Having these babies has given me a new purpose, Rimmer. I've got drive. I've got ambition. I'm going up, up, up—lickety-split!"

He could almost hear Rimmer wince. "Look, Lister…maybe I was wrong about…"

Lister waited expectantly. Once Rimmer admitted that he was wrong, Lister's plan would've succeeded and he would call off the joke. "About?"

"Never mind," Rimmer said.

Lister rolled over and pretended to sleep. After a few minutes, he heard Rimmer slip out of the top bunk and leave the room.

Rimmer hated pacing with Lister's walk. It made him feel like an ungainly chimpanzee. "I can't figure out why it didn't work."

Holly watched Rimmer go back and forth. "Maybe he suspected something."

Rimmer shook his head; that couldn't be it. Lister wasn't that clever. "Maybe I'm not enough like him to convince him yet. Holly, if you overwrite my whole personality, can you bring it back?"

"As long as you ask for it," Holly said.

Rimmer drew himself to his full height. "Then I want you to replace my personality with his."

"All of it?" Holly asked.

Rimmer nodded. "All of it."

"That includes memories and the like?" Holly asked, just to make sure.

"Everything," Rimmer said. "And don't tell me what's going on when I'm him."

Holly frowned. "But you won't know you're you. So how will you know to go back to being you?"

"Simple. You'll keep me as not me until Lister decides he's not me. Then Lister won't be me, and I can go back to being me." Rimmer paused. "Understand?"

"No," Holly said, "but let's do this anyway before thinking about it makes my chips corrode."

Rimmer nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm ready."

"Overwriting," Holly said.

The trickle in his brain turned to a gush. He stumbled and nearly fell, but managed to right himself at the last minute.

Lister opened his eyes to find himself in the drive room, standing in front of the vending machine.

"Make a selection, please," the vending machine said.

Lister considered his options for a moment. "Lobster vindaloo." His voice sounded odd, a little higher-pitched than usual. Maybe he was hearing things because he was overtired.

The vending machine's shelf lowered a nice hot plate of vindaloo. "Enjoy."

Lister reached out to pick up the plate, but his hand passed through the machine. His eyes widened, and he took a few steps away from the machine. "Holly!"

"Yeah?" Holly said.

"What the smeg happened to me?" Lister asked, trying not to panic.

"You're a hologram," Holly said.

Lister tried to remember becoming a hologram, but he couldn't. "Since when? Did I die?"

Holly looked uncomfortable. "No. It's just a…temporary thing."

Lister noticed that his right hand was wrong. It was too pale to be his hand, and there were freckles on it Lister didn't remember having. "What's happened to me hand?"

"I dunno. Isn't it yours?" Holly asked.

Lister looked at his left hand, but it didn't look familiar either. "No. Neither of these are mine."

Holly nodded. "Well, I'll look into that. Why don't you go have a lie down?"

"Maybe I'd better," Lister said, looking wistfully towards his inedible vindaloo. He looked down at his London Jets T-shirt, checking for curry stains and licking one to see if there was any taste of food still left on the shirt. There wasn't, so he headed off to the bunk room.


	5. Chapter 5

When Holly's alarm sounded the next morning, Lister didn't even want to roll out of bed. It had taken all his stamina to get out of bed and start doing jerks the previous morning; he couldn't be expected to do that more than once or twice in his lifetime.

"Off," Rimmer mumbled from the top bunk.

"Lights," Lister said, sitting up. He would have to give up the game before he'd won. Oh, well. He'd think of something else to amuse himself. "I can't do this anymore, man."

"Unh?" Rimmer asked, sounding less than conscious.

Lister shook his head. "I mean it. I really tried to be chipper, and it was funny to see you try to get me back to normal, but I can't keep it up. So I'm back to normal, okay?"

"You making fun of me?" Rimmer asked.

Lister frowned. Something about Rimmer's voice was off. "What?"

"Stop talking with me accent," Rimmer said.

That was it. Rimmer was mimicking Lister's accent. Lister felt a rush of indignation. "You stop talking with mine!"

Rimmer plopped out of the top bunk, turning to face Lister. Lister noticed that Rimmer was wearing one of Lister's football shirts, with his own uniform shirt on top, untucked and unbuttoned. It was an interesting look for Rimmer.

"Look, Rimmer, you can't—" When Rimmer saw Lister, his eyes widened, and he took a few steps away. "Oh, smeg…what the smeg did you do to me?"

Lister was trying to figure out what was going on. "What did I do to you? Why are you talking like that?"

"That's how I talk. Who's in there? Rimmer?" Rimmer asked.

"No, it's not Rimmer! I'm Lister; you're Rimmer," Lister said.

Rimmer looked as if he were on the verge of understanding something. "My hands." He turned around and looks in the mirror over the sink, staring at his reflection with a mix of horror and shock. "How did I get in here?"

"I dunno," Lister said. _So he really thinks he's me._

Rimmer glanced at Lister. "You're sure you're not Rimmer."

Lister snorted. "I'm pretty sure, thanks."

"But that doesn't make sense. Holly said this is temporary. If I'm not you…I mean, me…" Rimmer trailed off, confused.

"Holly knows about this?" Lister said.

Rimmer nodded. "Yeah. I panicked and called him when I couldn't eat the vindaloo."

Lister perked up. "Vindaloo?"

"I ordered some last night in the drive room," Rimmer said.

Lister made a mental note to go to the drive room later. Lobster vindaloo sounded fantastic. "What were you doing in the drive room?"

Rimmer frowned, trying to remember. "I don't know."

"'Cause Rimmer went to bed in here," Lister said.

Rimmer shook his head. "But why would he replace himself with me? He hates me."

"I know," Lister said.

Rimmer's shoulders slumped, and he stared at the floor. "This is probably the worst day ever. I can't eat, I can't smoke…"

"Ask Holly for a smoke," Lister said.

"What's he gonna do, blow smoke at me?" Rimmer said.

After months of regulation-style insult humor, Lister thought it was nice to hear a healthy amount of sarcasm. "He makes uniforms for Rimmer. Maybe he can make a cigarette for you."

Rimmer turned to the mirror. "Holly? Can you give me a pack of cigarettes, man?"

"Sure," Holly said.

A packet of holographic cigarettes appeared in Rimmer's shirt pocket. Rimmer took one out, looking relieved. "Can you light it, please?"

The cigarette end flared. Rimmer took a deep drag on the cigarette and then stuck it in his ear.

Lister shook his head. "This is weird, watching you."

Rimmer snorted. "How do you think I feel? At least you still look like you. I look like Mr. Bleeding Smeghead."

Rimmer took the cigarette out of his ear and took another drag. Watching Rimmer smoke made Lister realize he hadn't had a cigarette in a long time, so he began looking around the room for his cigarettes.

"Hey, listen," Rimmer said. "Do you think I could stay?"

"What do you mean, stay?" Lister said, finding his cigarettes at the bottom of a pile of his dirty socks.

"Rimmer doesn't have to come back, does he?" Rimmer asked.

Lister turned to look at Rimmer. "You wanna go through life looking like that?"

"It's better than going back to…" Rimmer shrugged. "Wherever I came from."

"I don't know, man," Lister said, taking out a cigarette and tossing the pack back into his dirty clothes.

"Aren't you supposed to stop smoking 'cause you're pregnant?" Rimmer asked.

"Yeah. How'd you know that?" Lister said.

"Are you kidding? Rimmer reminds me all the time. Well, he reminds you," Rimmer said.

Lister sighed, dropping the cigarette in the pile of dirty clothes. "I can't stand it. You get to smoke and I don't."

"You get to eat and I don't. So we're even," Rimmer said, looking similarly disappointed.

"I guess," Lister said, shrugging.

Rimmer switched back to his main sales pitch. "Just think about letting me stay. You don't like Rimmer. And you know you like me, cause I'm you. Think about it. He'd never nag you again. He'd never wake you up with those stupid trumpet sounds he makes when he gets up in the morning."

Lister made a face at the thought. "I hate those."

"I know. So do I," Rimmer said. "And he'd never call us "Listy" again when he wanted to make us feel stupid. All the million things he used to do to drive us crazy, he can't do anymore. So why bring him back? We can do whatever we want now."

"I guess so," Lister said.

Rimmer shook his head. "You don't seem excited enough. It's celebration time, man!" Rimmer started to hum and dance around the bunk room.

Lister wasn't in the mood for dancing; something was gnawing at him. "But I think Rimmer's gone and you're here because of me."

Rimmer stopped dancing. "What do you mean?"

"I was trying to play a joke on Rimmer by pretending he'd finally rubbed off on me. I got up at the alarm and went jogging with him," Lister said.

Rimmer looked skeptical. "How did that go?"

"I was knackered after 500 meters," Lister said. "He was too, so that was okay. But I did a couple things to make him think I thought I was him."

"Like?" Rimmer said.

"I claimed his bunk and called him 'Lister,'" Lister said.

Rimmer snickered.

"See, if you were you, you wouldn't think that was funny," Lister said, a little disquieted by seeing Rimmer act so much like him.

"I am me," Rimmer said.

"I know, but you're the wrong you. You're me you instead of you you," Lister said.

Rimmer looked confused. "What?"

Lister couldn't shake his guilt. "I just keep thinking…if you go and I stay, I'm still here, at least. But if you stay and Rimmer doesn't come back, he's really dead."

Rimmer shrugged. "What are you worrying about? We don't know how to get Rimmer back even if we wanted to."

"We could ask Holly," Lister said.

Rimmer didn't look impressed with the idea. "You really want to do that?"

"No," Lister said. "But I don't think I have a choice."

"I'll ask," Rimmer said, turning to face the viewscreen. "Holly?"

Holly appeared on the viewscreen, wide-eyed and guilty looking. "I don't know a thing. Don't ask me."

Rimmer and Lister exchanged glances.

"Holly," Lister said, "have you been coached on what to say?"

Holly glanced from side to side. "No, really, I haven't. Can I go now?"

"What aren't you supposed to tell us, Holly?" Rimmer asked.

"I told him I wouldn't tell you," Holly said.

"You told who?" Lister asked.

"Arnold," Holly said.

Lister didn't know what to do, but Rimmer gave Lister a wink.

"Yeah," Rimmer said, "but Rimmer's not here now. It's just me."

"Yeah, but he said not to tell…" Holly paused to sort things out. "Who did he say not to tell?"

"You can tell me, Holly. And he's me as well. You can tell us both," Lister said.

Holly nodded. "All right. Arnold decided to overwrite his personality with yours, Dave, so he could get you back the way you were. It's all temporary. All he has to do is say the word."

"You mean me," Rimmer said.

"Yeah," Holly said.

"I have to agree to be erased," Rimmer said, looking disgruntled at the idea.

"Not erased. Just put back into storage," Holly said.

Lister shrugged. "That sounds easy enough."

Rimmer nodded. "Yeah. I'm not doing it."

"What do you mean, you're not doing it?" Lister asked. Surely Rimmer-as-Lister wouldn't be around for the rest of Lister's life.

"I get to decide, and I'm not going," Rimmer said with an emphatic gesture.

"Think about this, man," Lister said.

"I have. I wanna stay here," Rimmer said.

Lister kept thinking of the duplicate Rimmers. How long before Lister would get into arguments with himself? How long before they moved to opposite ends of the ship just to get away from each other? He had to convince himself to let Rimmer come back, as frightening as the idea was. "Think how boring it would be after a couple months."

"It wouldn't be boring," Rimmer said.

Apparently Lister would have to come up with a better argument. What could he say to convince himself to go into storage? "It'd be doubly boring for you. You can't touch anything or hold anything. You can't eat. Plus you know everything I know."

Rimmer leaned forward, trying to get Lister excited about the change. "We can play Rastabilly Skank loud as we want and nobody will care."

"We can bore each other stupid by telling the same stories that both of us know over and over again," Lister said. "There's nothing good to do with yourself. Don't you remember when there were two Rimmers?"

Rimmer made a face. "Yeah, that was pretty bad."

"Rimmer's had enough trouble being dead. I don't wanna kill him again," Lister said. Had he gone too far?

"He killed himself," Rimmer said.

"Yeah, twice now," Lister said, looking meaningfully at his alter ego.

Rimmer sighed. "You're making me feel guilty."

"Just wanted to share the experience with you," Lister said. Was it enough? Had he convinced him?

"Fine," Rimmer said. "I'll go back. But just remember—every time he needles you about being pregnant or calls you a gimboid, you could've had me."

Lister nodded. He wasn't sure he was making the right decision; maybe he would never know.

Rimmer turned to Holly. "Holly? Put Rimmer back in here and kick me out."

"Okay, Dave," Holly said.

Rimmer waggled a Lister good-bye wave at Lister before the change occurred. Rimmer's clothing changed back to his standard uniform, and Rimmer swayed a little, lifting his hands to his head and massaging his temples.

"Did it work?" Rimmer asked in his normal voice. "Are you normal again?"

"Yeah, I'm normal," Lister said, dreading the explanation that had to come next. "Look, Rimmer…I didn't really think I was you. It was a joke."

Rimmer's nostrils were already beginning to flare. "A joke?"

Lister nodded. "Yeah. I wasn't really motivated or studying astronavigation or any of that smeg."

"And you think that's funny?" Rimmer asked, advancing a few steps toward Lister.

"Beats a round of Charades, that's for sure," Holly offered.

Rimmer wheeled on Holly. "You! Why didn't you tell me he was faking the whole thing?"

Holly looked baffled. "I didn't know."

"You couldn't have made a guess?" Rimmer asked.

"I'm a computer. I don't guess," Holly said. Then he thought a moment. "Much."

Lister tried to draw some of Rimmer's rage away from Holly. "It was pretty funny, though, Rimmer."

"I don't care how funny it was!" Rimmer said, turning on Lister. "You have all the intelligence of a stale fortune cookie!" He turned to face Holly again. "And you! Your CPU is the size of a walnut and you don't even use half of it!"

"Oi! I don't have to listen to this," Holly said, blinking out.

"Hey! Come back here, you…" Rimmer trailed off once he realized that he was speaking with Lister's accent again. Lister covered his mouth to keep from laughing aloud. Rimmer turned and glared at Lister.

"I guess Holly doesn't like being insulted," Lister said.

"Holly? Give me my smegging voice back or I'll have Lister dismantle you!" Rimmer said.

"Don't come to me, man. I've only got the intelligence of a fortune cookie. I might dismantle the hologram simulation suite by mistake," Lister said, enjoying the moment.

When Rimmer spoke again, he still had Lister's accent. "Holly? Can you hear me? Holly? This isn't funny!"

Lister couldn't help it. He laughed.

THE END


End file.
